Forgetting and Remembering \/ Felejtés És Emlékezés

Forgetting and Remembering – Or How I Climbed Back to the Wall

After climbing for five months last year, I’ve just come back from a four-month break. I injured my hand—not necessarily from climbing—but I wanted to take care of it. A lot has happened in my life: beautiful and challenging things, illnesses, and growth.
I’ve lost 3 kilograms (mostly muscle), which is a lot for this body type—both in appearance and strength.

Muscle memory remembers—or at least that’s what I thought. This, however, can make any restart dangerous because you might push yourself beyond what your body can currently handle.
Now I’m being extremely patient with it. For weeks, I prepared my ego to face how weak I would be. I climb, among other reasons, because it’s good for my body. So let’s climb in a way that’s actually good for it! Gently. Softly. No forcing. Pausing often.
“Turn your ambition into curiosity.”

Thorough warm-up.
A bit of releasing tension where necessary. Not much is needed; my body is quite relaxed now. I’ve let go of a lot of unnecessary tension in the past months.
Lots of gentle muscle activation. I need to wake the tissues up from their winter sleep. Slowly, building up from where I am right now.

I thought the technique wouldn’t be a problem. I was wrong!
Had I forgotten the little I’d picked up about the mindset of climbing?

As I tackle one beginner route after another, I feel that a bit of it is coming back. But mostly, I watch in amazement at how confused my nervous system is when faced with the tasks.

Meanwhile, I pay attention to the forces—always applying them gently, no sudden moves. I want to move beautifully, in harmony rather than with focus on performance. Not because it looks good, but because it protects me. (Of course, beauty is subjective—that’s a whole other topic...)

Then, after an hour and a half, I’ve run out of white routes. There’s no way but forward, so I jump onto a blue route that seems easier. Four months ago, I was using blue routes just for warm-up. Now it took me this much time to prepare for them.
And then, it happens—my nervous system really starts to work! I feel it—yes, this is something I recognize. I know this feeling of how the bodymind thinks.
It needed the challenge.

I no longer need to consciously monitor my strength; it flows naturally now—softly, effortlessly. It’s a dance.

I’ve always been okay with heights, but here, on the wall, I faced fear of it for the first time. And what that does to you! The way panic takes over: What if I fall? (Nothing, I know how to fall, but this isn’t a rational thing.) How much it can block your ability to see the next step... hold.

On my second blue route, I meet fear again. It floods my entire body. I have to come down. Even that feels hard. I’m completely frozen.
I lie under the wall. I rest. I let go.
I look at the route—my mind clears. I analyze, prepare, tune in. I know where the fear will come. I think through the possibilities, but in the end, I’ll only know what’s possible when I’m there. Provided I can stay clear and calm—that’s my main focus.

I start climbing up.
I reach “the point,” and the fear arrives. Breathe… It doesn’t overwhelm me. Clarity remains. I immediately see how close the solution is and how simple it actually is.

My body connects to the task.
I arrive.
Movements are born by themselves..
The past hour and a half were just the tuning in!
Now the real dance begins… on the wall.

My time is almost up… the sauna and everything else are waiting… but I savor this moment a little longer.
The bodymind has awakened. There’s flow. There’s life.

The sauna is easier. I didn’t take as long a break from that. My body could forget it too, but this time, it comes naturally. Instantly familiar. A bit of menthol crystals. Relaxation. And yet, still effort in some way. Silence. It all happens inside.
And a good conversation to top it off.

In the evening, some light stretching. Relaxation.

The next day and the day after, my body is grateful. It doesn’t hurt—on the contrary: Stronger, more Alive!